// Need to grieve//

I feel like someone’s died. 

I can’t care about my puppy. I can’t care about the good things that happened, because they’re no longer valid. I can’t afford to love something that I can’t have anymore. It’s not fair, so it’s not something I can hold on to.

It’s the death of love, of possibility. It’s the death of a perfect life that if I was smart, I would crave with every maternal instinct I could ever hope to have. 

There’s something very unfortunate in me that will not let me settle. I was happy. That should have been fine. I should have been satisfied. It’s unfortunate, and inconvenient, and just the way things fucking are that I have to be uncomfortable to be content. 

I feel like I need to grieve, but I don’t know if it would make me any better. I have never been good at feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I should break down. I feel like I should cry but I’m not sure I could stop myself and I don’t feel like I should be alone. Funny thing is, I’m utterly alone. It’s uncanny, like nothing else. Helpless, but fine. Throwing up my hands in frustration and “I give up, it doesn’t matter, I don’t care” and hurting so bad I should double over.

Years later, I’ll think back on this moment and probably remember how hard it was but that I got through it fine. I don’t want to have to wait. I want to be done now. 

I love you, Trey, I’m sorry we were so bad for each other. 

What a waste of time.