[video]
I’m sure he’s in a better place.
“In a better place”
Maybe this is what it’s like for people who believe in heaven…
This is not a fire drill and if we hold any hope, it’s harmonic connection; stereo symbiosis. These legoland empires, choking out my Now; they’re everywhere, everywhere, multiplying around me, child. A strain on my heart; this rock can’t tolerate anymore.
[video]
My only apprehension comes from logic. I know that it is possible for things to move too quickly, and that sometimes that’s hard to get over, later in the relationship. Most of the time it ruins things down the road.
The other side of my brain, however, the right-side romantic let’s-go-live-in-a-cabin-on-a-hill-come-on-it’ll-be-fun side says life is too fucking short to be afraid. Yes, I’ve gotten in trouble because I feel too much, because everything is intense and amazing and wonderful, but I’ve also had the flip of that coin- as much trouble as I’ve had, I’ve also had the most perfect experiences; the ones that fill my heart to breaking, the ones that make me want to live in those moments forever. I’m so lucky. I’m so blessed for the happiness I’ve felt, and I almost don’t care about the hurt. It’s all worth it in the end.
I went to Sedona once. I went to visit a boy I was in love with. I’d known him for a few months, never met him. When he picked me up at the airport, it was like I’d known him for years and years. The drive from Phoenix to Sedona was dark and cold but I didn’t notice- This American Life and Tom Waits kept us company and his shoulder was as good of a pillow as any I’d had. I won’t go into details about the next few days, but I can say that leaving that place was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long time. I knew it had to end, and I don’t regret leaving (not all that much…) and I’m sure that nothing more will happen between us, but for those few days, I was the happiest I’ve ever been. Karaoke and desert dust, Gimlets and nostalgia and one good picture. Drunk, dirty, smelling like cigarettes and gin and sweat and sex; chest aching with a longing I knew I’d feel when I hit the ground back in Portland. The next few weeks were hard.
I’m only saying this to illustrate my point- as much as I hurt that it’s over, that nothing came of that little vacation, I’m so SO glad for it. I’ve come to think of that little love I had as a triumph. I did what I wanted, what I thought needed to be done, and It All Worked Out. I went to Sedona. All 1000 miles, having never met this bruiser, because I needed to. I didn’t hang back because I was afraid of what it might mean, or because I was apprehensive of some big life change… we both knew there was a possibility I might never leave. That was never a question. I hurt because it’s gone, but I’m so very insanely lucky that it was once there. I remember that love and that happiness, and that’s the bandage for my painful heart.
It hurts in the best way possible.
I’m getting soft in my old age- I have to convince myself to be so reckless, when just a few years ago it was my M.O.
The sheets are still warm.
[video]
apparently, “cute” no longer holds the same meaning; and I’m dealing with it the best that I can.
I did not plan for this to happen… I actually was intending for the exact opposite, but things didn’t work out that way.
I’m rolling my eyes, scared shitless, and facepalming like a motherfucker, but I am happy. Very happy. I just need him to tell me it’s ok to feel like this- that nothing bad is going to happen. Even if it is- If I hear it once, I’ll be all right.
Spooling…
[video]
My head is bursting
with the joy of the unknown.
My heart is expanding a thousand fold.
Every cell,
taking wings,
flies about the world.
All seek separately
the many faces of my beloved.
/Rumi